Today is the day...

Today I begin my second set of 4 sessions.  This drug is "supposed" to be more manageable.  I am praying that it is.  I won't know for a couple of days, so I will have to keep you posted.

I am still doing well.  Tired and big dark circles under my eyes.  I have not been as diligent on the "resting part" as I should be.  I like to do what I can, when I can.  As I told you before, treatments weeks tend to be rough -- but my non treatment weeks are a treat.

Its kind of funny, because I tend to see quite a few people out and about on my non treatment weeks.  I wonder if they think I am faking it?  They are always so sweet and tell me how great I look, and that they would not be able to tell, if they did not know me - what I am going thru.  I am usually at the grocery store, at the kids soccer practice, driving the kids to school or at the craft store.  Nothing too crazy, and usually all after 11 am, which is when my body slowly begins to function.

I am not trying to be the "perfect mom" or "perfect wife" - I am just not usually not use to being down for long periods of time.  I relish my non treatment weeks to get things done...pretty soon they will ALL be non treatment weeks --- I can hardly wait.

Also, one last thing to update you on...

Before my last session, John and I were on our way down from the doctor to the infusion center.  They give you your file to hand to the infusion nurses, which gives them instructions on what pre-meds you will have, etc.  I decided to open it up and read it.  Hey, its MY file right?  So anyway, I opened up the file and began reading the recap of the prior office visit :

"Alexxa ______, female, age 37, stage IIIa breast cancer...."

Wait a min -- did I see stage 3?  That MUST be a typo, someone put an extra roman numeral in there?  Do you love my optimism?  I nonchalantly hand the file to the nurse and mention the typo and go on my way.  Later that week, Thursday, I was having a bit of arm pain from the infusion on Monday, so I called my dr's office and leave a message for my oncologists nurse.  The arm pain, and oh yea, the TYPO in my file.

I receive the return phone call - and the dr. wants to see my arm, and no that was not a typo in your file. What?????  Stage 3?????  I loose my noodle.  I don't have stage 3?  I have stage 2?  I liked stage 2, it was so far away from 3 and 4!

Unfortunately, I had to go pick up my kids at school - I was sobbing all the way to get them, and could not get a hold of John at the moment. So I unloaded my story on two dear friends in the carpool parking lot.  I am a mess!  My two dear friends beautifully talked me off the ledge and reassured me that I would be all-right.  The doctor got it all...its GONE they told me...they were right.  It was just something that took me so by surprise.  Here is where my motto of "Faith or Fear" came into play again.

I connected with John, he went into "Google" action - you all know what that means...googling the heck out of something until we find the information we need, or at least we feel satisfied with.

John reassured me that:

1.  It's GONE, the amazing surgeon got it all --- we know that....the pathology reports prove it!
2.  I am doing what I need to do to beat this thing, and I will (chemo, radiation, drug therapy).
3.  It's ONLY a number....so what it WAS stage 3 --- its a number that goes in my file for tracking purposes.
3.  FAITH or FEAR --- I can't let this thing take me with FEAR....I have FAITH in God that this will all be OK.

I returned home and fortunately, my parents were both here to console me too.

My wise daddy assured me of all the things that John told me, and hugged me until I was alright, which was awhile.

With all that being said, I am OK.  It is ONLY a number, it is completely GONE.

Each day it is a battle, facing my fear and fighting it with faith.

Wooah, we're half way there!

Livin' on a prayer...who knew that a Bon Jovi Song would be my theme song right now?  But I am half way there, and thanks to you and all your prayers -- I think, rather I know I am going to make it.

Last week was not any easier, which I had hoped it would be.  Physically I had a bit of pain at the injection site, which the vein became irritated and sensitive to the touch.  It seems whenever I have physical pain, emotional pain is quick to follow.  If I don't feel good, it just brings me down.  

Another reason why I am locked up during treatment weeks....I become a complete idiot!  I cannot remember close friends names, kids names, simple things that used to be second nature to me.  I've always been someone who remembers names and faces. It's the good ol' chemo brain...and I hope its reversible.

I am on to my "good week."  The kiddos keep it real for me by occasionally bickering which is followed by time outs, privileges taken away and family chats. All without my wig on!  It is amazing to me how they are unfazed by some of this.  They are so resilient and I am truly blessed by them and my wonderful support system, supporting them.

September 27th begins my second set of four treatments.  It will be a different medication, and hopefully easier than the first four.  But honestly, I don't know what to expect as every body is different.  I have been querying my "angel" Noelle - and she has prepared me as best she can, based on her personal experience.  There will likely be some medication changes, so please pray for me and specifically NO icky side effects.  I know it seems like a silly request, but I truly believe that it is working!

Love to all...

YAWN!

Well the title says it all...YAWN!  The "tiredness" of treatments is catching up with me.  The doctors said it would be cumulative, and has been.  As much as I would love to sleep a few winks during the day, its next to impossible because:  

1. I am not use to taking naps (what mother is??).  
2. My brain during my "off treatment weeks" is constantly thinking of everything that needs to be done while I feel good.
3. I am afraid if I sleep too long, then I won't be able to sleep at night.

It is a vicious cycle!  I need the rest, but have trouble trying to get it!

My actual treatment was uneventful.  Got poked by the lab tech - who I know pretty well.  Attended my doctors appointment beforehand and then headed downstairs to the treatment area.  It was packed, and we ended up with a seat in the corner - no window, but we did discover that snacks exist!  Ah ha, something new!

The nurse who started my iv was a pro, could barely feel it.  It's interesting to both John and I, how each time they mention me considering getting a port.  For those of you unfamiliar, a port is a device surgically implanted into your body (usually in the chest), attached to a main blood vein.  It makes it much easier for the nurses to start your iv, draw labs, etc.  However, I've had mixed reviews from people on the port.  It can clog, get infected...sorry, I'm getting grossed out just explaining it.  Yea, I don't like needles (who does), but NO, I'm not getting a port!  These skinny little arms with good veins are pulling me thru, get used to it.  OK, glad I got that off my chest.  

Overall, side effects were the same as my previous my treatment...which was a plus. I pretty much slept Monday - Wednesday, get up to eat, take meds and use the facilities...like a baby I tell you!  The sleep is not a restful sleep, more like a drug induced knock out..but I will take it versus feeling the nausea. Thursday I tend to feel better but then over do it, so that I feel bad on Friday.

Oh, one other thing I have been sparing the fun details on is reconstruction.  I've been seeing my plastic surgeon regularly, he is the guy that will fix my chest to look somewhat normal again.  This week was rough, because I had a fill.  A "fill" constitutes poking once again another needle into my chest (each side) and filling it with saline solution. Each time it expands my chest wall to make room and allow for my reconstruction surgery, which will happen in about one year from now.  On a scale of 1-10 of pain, it's probably a 9, and I am not kidding.  So this was an added pleasure for this past weeks treatment.  I think I am done with my fills, as I will have radiation afterwards my chemo.  Fills need to be done before radiation begins.

The other side effect to this wonderful process is that I am very emotional. The tears start flowing pretty easily.  I've always been a sensitive person, but it seems more so in recent weeks.  This entire process is much more taxing on me than I originally thought it would be - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

My apologies for taking so long to write, then unloading quite a bit more details than I planned on sharing -- but this is my life right now, and thought you might want to know.

I told a friend recently, I am thankful everyday for everything.  I know that this is all part of God's plan.  He is teaching me so much about "me" -- more than I wanted to know sometimes!!

Thank you for your continued love, support and prayers.