T'was the night before treatment...

As I sit here tonight trying to relax....there are a hundred things on my mind tonight, things that must be done before I leave for treatment tomorrow morning.  I have my list of things to finalize, things to discuss with my mom, the kids calendar to be printed with all of their activities and homework to be done, last minute notes for John.  It's like getting ready to go on a trip for a week, but I am not going "anywhere" fun.

I have cherished this week and a half...that's right, the last treatment only had me down for just a few days (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday), it was great.  Although I am not my "old" self - I felt much better and it was a blessing because it was a busy week.  The kids were back to school, there was back to school night, 2 soccer seeding tournaments and finally, a party we purchased at last year's auction.

As I scurried around today, running last minute errands to the grocery store and such.....I could feel a bitterness rising up in me.  It was not pretty. I unfortunately took it out on my husband with some not so loving words, and I am sorry.  The truth is, I am not excited to go back tomorrow.  I've been through it enough to know that I don't like what is coming.

I am digging deep to gear up this time...I told a dear friend tonight as we texted back and forth.  There are my 3 F's getting me thru --- Faith, Family and Friends.  And maybe its appropriate, because it's my 3rd treatment as well.

It's true, I would be lost without all of them/you.

A time to be thankful...

Betcha thought you would not hear someone say they are "happy all the hair on their head is gone" - but you just did.  I know, it's crazy!  My cute GI Jane cut was short lived and is no longer. When the hair began to fall out --- what a mess!  It was also so itchy!  I look more like a new baby chick with little random fuzz sticking out all over my head.  Don't worry, I will NOT be posting any pictures of me.

We got a labradoodle for a reason, I can't stand the dog hair!  Now, instead I was the one leaving the mess of 1/4" hairs all over the place.

But in the midst of all this...I continue to find reasons to be thankful:

1.  I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes (please Lord, let me keep those!!!)
2.  Showering does not take anytime at all...no hair on the legs to shave!
3.  My kiddos and my husband continue to warm my heart by telling me how beautiful I look.
4.  Food still tastes good, and although my appetite has not returned completely - I am able to eat and maintain a healthy weight.
5.  I have the most wonderful family and friends in the world.

I am stealing a phrase a friend told me...

"This is a defining moment, but it will NOT define me and who I am."

Just in case you were curious.....

Here are some pictures....before and afters of John and I getting our hair cut.  Some extra pics of the girls and my new "do's" too.  My favorite is the last one, portrait taken by Gigi.

John & Tori before

John & Tori after

Me & Tori before

Me & Tori after

John and I

Long Hair...a little 80's....

Shorter...more like my original style..

Pink and sassy....oh yea, I will be wearing it!

Biggest one

Middlest one

Littlest one

Just me :)

Treatment #2....check

Its nice to be writing to you with Treatment #2 under my belt!  The process today was a little different in that I had my labs drawn, met with my wonderful oncologist doctor (I call her my chemical warfare specialist) and discussed a few changes in my medications.  Changing the medicines I take for side effects can be a scary thing --- I know how I felt the last time, even though it was pretty crummy --- do we change the meds with the possibility that I could even feel worse?  I took a leap of faith, which I have been doing a lot these days, and decided to make the change.  My treatment was uneventful, except that we had a choice in chairs this time...I let John pick our spot and....lets just say he loses that privilege next time.

I am happy to report, so far so good.  The first night usually is the most difficult.  I was a little groggy, but ate dinner with the fam and drifted off to sleep.  John did a great job of waking me up at the necessary hours to take either med A, med B, or med C, depending on its timing.  I had to double check him sometimes on the meds, he is not the easiest person to wake up....more like a sleep walker!

Mental note for me:  Flash forward 50 years from now, I am going to have to really label everything BIG so that he does not accidentally overdose me!

One last bit of news....This past Sunday, I began losing my hair...not just one or two strands, but pretty good size clumps.  John was coming back from the grocery store and I called him explaining my situation.  I told him that since I did not have any idea how I would feel after treatment on Monday, I wanted to be in control of this situation, and make it a positive one.  We agreed, I called my dear friend Tori, and she was over in a flash --- scissors, trimmers and all.

I was a little emotional when I explained to the girls that my hair had began to fall out.  I let Gigi give a little tug on a piece....and her face lit up like it was Christmas.  I think she would have been happier pulling it all out by herself!  The other girls were a little bit more apprehensive...but we headed to our pool house, watched cartoons and made popcorn.  John went first for moral support :)  He looks great!  Next it was my turn.  We cut off two locks from different areas, to save for future hair coloring purposes (I know, such the planner!!)  Then each of the girls partook in the process, cutting of another sizable lock.  The end look is more GI Jane, which I like :)

It was the peaceful experience I could have hoped for.  The girls knew that I looked different, but I am healthy and in control (well, control is a funny thing....I believe that God is more in control than I am), and I am the same mommy who loves them, hugs them, puts them in time outs :).

Next we had a scarf and wig trying on party.  Each of them tried on my fun wigs, scarves and hats.  They all like something different, go figure - but they have all told me that they love me and gave me the "thumbs up" on everything.

One last little side note and funny....most of you know, my wonderful mom has been staying with us Monday - Friday to help me out whenever I need it.  You name it laundry, feeding the kiddos, grocery shopping or just moral support.  Early on Monday morning, my mom and Gigi crossed paths upstairs...Gigi said "Yaya, when did you get here", Yaya said "Oh, I got here late last night."  Gigi promptly replied "Well, you know Mom's bald" and off she went on her way.  If you know our Gigi she is a matter-a-fact kind of girl, and we love her for it.  No sugar coating it, just it is what it is.....

All of these things, the funnies, my wonderful family and friends, my faith are making this journey something I will never forget....in a good way.

A great week....

After last week, NOT knowing if it was ever going to end....I am happy to report that this past Monday, it was like someone flipped a switch.  I woke up, and began to feel (almost) like my old self again!  Although I did not venture far, or early (I did not manage to get out of the house until 11:00 am), and napped often -- I actually drove my car, ran a few errands and was able to accomplish a few things.  I am amazed at how my life before all this was so hectic and crazy...like most of us, I could have filled up a sheet of paper with "things to do" each day.

Now, I simply do what I can and I am satisfied....This all coming from a person who woke up at 6:00 am and who literally did not sit down until 10:00pm at night, unless it was dinner or lunch.  I know, we are all this way....living our lives, rushing from one thing to the next -- but as this new challenge in my life continues to teach me some valuable life lessons, I hope that I am able to remember these things for the future.

One last shout out to all the fabulous people bringing us dinner throughout the week....I am so grateful for you, it takes a tremendous amount of pressure off of me -- and my family has been eating all of the wonderful items prepared!

My next treatment date is Monday, August 16th --- please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  We have made some minor medication adjustments for side effects of the chemo, praying that it works!

Baby steps....

So, I know I started off by thinking 8, its a perfect number, you can count to it on two hands....only 8 treatments!  Well now, I think perhaps it was a lofty goal for me.  Last week was pretty rough...So now, I am breaking it down by 4 (of the first treatment type...supposed to be a heavy duty regimen) and 4 (of the secondary treatment type).  I know, I know, both are chemotherapy but this past week was so challenging, that I think if I change my mindset and scale it back to only 3 remaining in this treatment plan to go, I can accomplish it.  Does that make sense?

I made it thru last week, and now I know somewhat to expect going forward.  I know that there is an end to the pain, and craziness just a few days following the treatment....it can be scary going thru it for the first time, wondering if you will ever feel normal again.

My mom, dad, John, Cath were at my side, available whenever I needed them (which was quite often). So many wonderful friends, texted, emailed, sent notes, delivered meals --- I am truly blessed.  Thank you for continuing to keep me in your prayers.

I am looking forward to a normal week next week --- nothing to do but rest, be with my family and get my body ready for the next treatment which will take place on Monday, August 16th.

Treatment #1 of 8

Hello Friends,

My hubby informed me that I should be updating my blog so people know what's going on with me.  I said "OK honey, you are right....in between trips to the bathroom, sleeping, taking anti nausea meds and such :)."

All funniness aside, until I know what type of reaction I am going to have to the treatment, it may be a day or two until you hear from me.  If I have too....I can have him update for me.

With that being said, here is how it went....

I had on my new outfit, oh yeah, I hit Nordy's and bought a cute pink tank top, coordinating workout pants and little sweatshirt. As my husband knows, I could be going somewhere (even for just one night)...I am not known for packing "lightly."  So in we walked with our two bags of stuff, insulated cooler with snacks, a canvas duffle with magazines, ipods, headphones, water, hand sanitizer, blanket....you name it I probably had it!

We were directed to my special treatment chair, reserved just for me --- right next to the nurses station. I was hoping for a coveted window chair; however, Christine my nurse said she wanted to keep an eye on me.  There was no weigh in, lab work, just straight to the IV.  She said because I had been there recently -- and they just drew labs, there was no reason to draw them again...OK, I won't argue with that answer, one less needle poking.

She started the initial IV for fluids.  It did not feel horrible, but not great...a little "twingy" and the fluids felt cool.  After the fluids and the pre-med, another type of benedryl to prevent allergic reaction.  It was time for the "Red Devil."  Christine decided to pull the first IV, because the backflow of blood was not as strong as she would have liked to see.  So she re-poked and started another line...much better this time. There was no cooling sensation and now I know that this is how it should feel from the beginning.

The "Red Devil" is the strongest medicine I believe I will be receiving.  Christine administered the med using a large syringe of about 40 cc, slowly over the period of 10 mins.  Next is was time for the second portion of my treatment, which was via drip --- both of these mixed with saline from a separate drip bag.

In total we were only there for about 1 1/2 hours...woohoo!

I was receiving lots of positive texts from friends, family ---- thank you so much.

Upon leaving I confirmed my time to come back the next day for my white blood cell boosting shot, which has to be administered 24 hours upon receiving chemo treatment.  Since the chemo cannot tell the difference between good and bad cells, it conveniently kills everything...thus the white blood cell boosting shot helps my body restore the white blood cells to prevent infection and keep me healthy.

Since we were finished earlier than we though we would be, we called my folks and decided to meet them for lunch. I ordered a hamburger and a cup of soup.  I was starving and on a chemo high (which I've heard about before).  Had a nice lunch and hubby headed back to work, while my mom and dad took me home to rest, I could barely keep my eyes open and decided to nap.

Fast forward to 5pm....not good, the medicines were doing their thing!

Coupled with nausea, trips to the bathroom, a splitting headache and achy, I was a mess.  My mom made me some chicken noodle soup, which was promptly "tossed" into our infamous purple bowl we use for when we are sick and cannot make it to the bathroom....note, never eat out of the purple bowl if you come to my house....just kidding, that one is not in circulation for regular use.

The next five hours were not pretty.  Until about 10pm did I get some relief.  Wonderful hubby got up and made me a plain bowl of oatmeal, which I felt was the only thing I could eat -- along with saltine crackers and ice chips.  I took a Tylenol PM and drifted off to sleep.

Tuesday, I woke up feeling less nausea but wiped out and groggy.  After another cup of oatmeal, more anti nausea meds, I was on my way to feeling better.  Pretty much hung out in bed for most of the day until my appointment to receive my white blood cell boosting shot.  My mom took me down to the treatment center, and I asked the nurse to go really slow...you've already heard of my angel friend Noelle, she gave me the most wonderful advice -- ask them to go very slow.  It worked, a total breeze.  There are side effects from the boosting shoot (of course there are!!)...bone pain, but since my bathroom looks like the inside of a pharmacy, I should be fine.

Grabbed a jamba juice on our way home, and came back to rest for awhile.  Now don't worry friends, I've been eating Top Ramen, fruit, whatever I can stomach.  And drinking lots of water ---upwards of 70-80 ounces a day.

Today is Wednesday, I am feeling much better today...still going to take it easy.  I've got an appointment with the reconstructive surgeon and that's about it.

My next Oncology appointment is not until the 13th...with Treatment #2 scheduled on the 16th.

Thank you again for all your prayers, notes, cards, calls, texts, special songs --- they mean the world to me, and truly help me in my treatment and recovery process.

Love to all....and I promise not to be so lengthy next time!

Tomorrow is the First Day of the rest of my life....

Well, it's almost here...Treatment Day!  Tomorrow, Monday August 2nd at 11am, I will be prepping to receive my first chemotherapy session.  I anticipate being there for 3-4 hours or so.  I am told there is a lot to do...lab work, reviewing my results for blood counts, the "weigh in", pumping me full of fluids and lots of other meds before the actual chemo begins.  My nerves are settled for now, I feel more anticipation of getting to know the routine.

I have a list of inspirational songs to keep me going on my ipod. One of them has a chorus which says:

"This is the first day of the rest of your life, cause even in the dark you can still see the light ---its gonna be all right."

That's exactly how I am feeling right now....Tomorrow, truly is the First Day of the rest of my life and it will be all right.  I continue to tell myself, eight (8) treatments --- that's all it is --- 8!  I can count to the number 8 on two hands.

I know you keep hearing me say this, but I am so thankful for all my family and my friends.  I told you about my (our) bedroom door, I have every single card I have received from day one....they are all here, I thought you might like to see them.  All of your prayers, as well as kind and inspirational words help me keep the faith.

Front of my door

Back of my door