PINK...It's a Love/Hate thing..

It's October, and PINK is all around me.  I love pink.  We have 3 adorable girls, so we have a ton of pink in our house.  It has it's own laundry cycle...lights, darks, and pinks.  I like pink lipstick, I have a pink wig, get the picture.


This month, I'm not loving pink as much as I usually do.  With Breast Cancer Awareness month in full swing, I think I might throw up...It's everywhere!


I don't want pink to be a reminder of what I am fighting or fought.  I want pink to be that same color of red mixed with white that I once loved, with no strings attached.  Will I ever get back to my happy place of pink?


I recently shared a story with my friend - this is what happens when you try to Fight the Pink Power:


Yesterday my hubby bought me a new iphone, which was very sweet. I went to get a new case for it, and was decision time. I got rebellious.  I thought to myself, "You know what...I am tired of pink, I am rebelling and getting a different color"...so I went with bright aqua and pink trim (I know, big rebel, huh?). Upon leaving, I realized that I forgot to run to the grocery store and grab some bread for the kids lunches this week. 


Of course, over the loud system at the grocery store -- "In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we have "such and such" girls from "such and such local" school, at the front of the store accepting donations...no amount is too little, and your support is appreciated." I am frozen in the bread aisle.  Shoot!  Now I have to pass them.  I am tired of thinking about breast cancer today, I have a treatment tomorrow, I am tired of pink. I just want to go home and crawl into bed!


As I check out and head towards the exit (and them)...They are so cute, all decked out in pink.  You can tell they put a lot of time into their booth - pink balloons, pink tablecloths, etc. As I approach their booth, I can barely speak. They show me what I can have if I donate $1 (a pin, a tin of mints, a plastic compact and a handmade pink ribbon). I hand them a $20 - which I wish I could run to the ATM and empty out my entire bank account and give them everything I have. They are so excited to receive my donation they want to give me a little bit of everything.  I only want 3 pins, one for each of my girls and 3 of their homemade ribbons.


As I am leaving the store, I am sobbing, I mean the kind of hysterical crying that you need cucumbers to bring down the swelling! I wish I could have said, "Thank you so much for what you are doing today" and "You are helping people like ME, who are fighting to beat this, and for my 3 little girls who I pray every day will never have to deal with this" to those little girls, but I just could not even mutter the words.


Upon arriving home, I sit in the car, in the garage and finish my sobbing....OK, OK, I get it God, I will not fight the pink power.  I will embrace it and acknowledge what it means in my life today.  It is just a color, but to so many others (and me) it means HOPE, FAITH and the PROMISE of tomorrow.


With that, I put on my new pink pajamas and went to bed.

Thank You - Mom & Dad

Sorry for not updating faithful friends.  It has been a busy week. Monday, the 18th I celebrated my 37th birthday.  The few days leading up to the "big day" were bittersweet.  Some tears of happiness, some tears of sadness, some tears just because I felt like it.  

Sometimes I sometimes think to myself...How hard it must be on my parents to have a child who is facing this challenge. How can you ever prepare yourself for something like that?  In the years proceeding up to this diagnosis (basically the day I entered the world on October 18, 1973 to June 11, 2010), my parents have ALWAYS been there for me...But they have even more so in the past four months.

My mom has been living with us 5 days a week since my surgery June 24th. She arrives Sunday night and leaves Friday night.  She cooks, she cleans, she does the laundry, she grocery shops, she tends to the kids if I need help, she helps me make lunches...pretty much ANYTHING I need.  Her big weeks are my treatment weeks, when I could be in bed for a few days.  

My dad too, although he does not stay with us, he has been a rock.  First of all, he has allowed my mom to live with us during this time.  He also stops by and checks in daily to see what we might need.  As most men are, he is in a supervisory role (or at least we let him think so :)), providing emotional stability, lots of encouragement, heavy duty praying, hugs when needed and of course taking out the trash.  Don't worry we feed him a couple times a week too.  There is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about how blessed I am to have my parents with me during this time.

Tonight as I update this diary, I just wanted to say Thank You Mom and Dad for seeing me and my family thru this time.

Thank you for ...

Life

Guidance

Patience

Encouragement

Faith

Love

And for ALWAYS being there.....ALWAYS.

Annie & Isabel --- Thank you for your kind words!

A friend of mine, and her sister (both registered nurses) started a darling company called Annie & Isabel. They make stylish hospital gowns for new mommies, but also have another gown that is near and dear to me....The Elizabeth Gown.

My fellow breast cancer survivor and angel, Noelle gave me "The Elizabeth Gown"days before I was to have my surgery.

I wanted to give them a testimonial on how this gown, really did help me on a day when I was so frightened.  I hope I was able to do it justice.  Here it is for your reading pleasure:

http://annieandisabelblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/story-of-alexxa-breast-cancer-survivor.html


Thank you Anna again for all your prayers, love and support.

Late details on the final set of treatments...

Almost two weeks ago, I embarked on my second set of treatments.  There will be a total of four - so as of now, I only have three more to go!

The day itself was an emotional one.  I am the girl who walks in the treatment center with my arms loaded full of stuff...magazines, snacks, cozy blankets and smiles.  This particular day, I was full of tears.  It was the fear of the unknown that was getting me this time.  How was my body going to react to this new drug? Was my inflamed vein, still sensitive to the touch going to be a problem?  How long was this going to take?  I just wanted to be at home, safe in my bed.

After the usual drawing of blood for labs, I continued upstairs to meet with my doctor.  She always puts me at ease, even though she is very matter-a-fact, she is kind and sensitive and makes me feel better.  After a thorough exam, its official, the vein that was hurting me is no longer able to be used.  The last treatment of the "hard stuff" damaged the inside of the vein wall.  It's still irritated but it will heal, in time, and may not be until after I am done with the final three.  We all agree together, I am in the home stretch...and thankful that I have other veins to chose from. There is no need to implement a port or other device....whew!

After my appointment, John and I head down to the treatment area....its backlogged for at least an hour.  We decide to go grab some lunch at a local spot.  It's one of the few times I have been in public without my wig, and only wearing a scarf.  I forget how strange it feels to have people look at me, with question in their eyes.  When I am in my wig, they don't pay attention to me the same way.

We head back and the room is still packed.  We nab the only seat available.  It's comfortable at first...then fast forward 4 hours later.  The treatment chair next to me has changed over two times....in that time I have learned more details than I care to know about two different families. I know about jobs, finances, family issues, the list goes on.  I think each person receiving treatment had 4 people with them...it was non stop.  It's an awkward situation at best, wanting to yell "BE QUIET" at the top of your lungs....however,  I refrain and determine that next time I am bringing ear phones.

I arrived home almost eight hours later, a little queasy and exhausted but happy to see my girls and my parents.  I eat my traditional dinner of top ramen, say my prayers and head off to bed.

Thankfully the next morning (day 2) feels more like day 7 of the prior treatments.  I take my anti-nausea meds, get up eat breakfast and feel human again.  The rest of the week only got better.  I was careful not to push it, resting when I needed to, and ventured out for a few errands by Thursday.  Needless to say, it was a good week.

I am gearing up again for another Monday, unfortunately I have a cold which slowly showed itself beginning Tuesday this week.  I am treating all the symptoms with humidifiers, vicks vapo rub, liquids and lots of rest.  I need to be healthy by Monday or they will not allow me to receive my treatment.  Which I am NOT going to miss.