Well after nearly 7 months from diagnosis...I am done! Now what? And I say that literally.
11 days ago I had my last radiation treatment. I really could not believe that the "day" was finally happening. I was full of emotion (are you surprised?)...mostly happy, sometimes scared but mainly curious. What's next? I've been living my life for the past 7 months, pressing ahead and looking forward to the next treatment to check of my list. But now, there is nothing more to check off. I am being released back into the wild.
My hubby called me as I was heading downtown to my last treatment, and asked how I was doing, if I was excited....I could NOT speak. I felt like there was a lump the size of a grapefruit in my throat (not literally...don't worry). He quickly said, "Can I meet you down at the treatment center - I want to come with you?" I was able to mutter an "OK" with tears streaming down my face and in between the crying, which was close to hysteria. Why did I not plan to have him join me earlier? After all, it seemed only fitting - he was there at the beginning...why not at the finish line too?
I drove around the block a few times to allow my tears to dry, fix my makeup and fan my red face. Thankfully, we pulled in at the same time to the treatment center.
I did my usual routine...he had to wait in the waiting room while I checked in, got changed and sat down and waited for my name to be called. Of course, my buddy Herbert was waiting for me. He seemed happy to see me, as apparently his machine had broken the day before, and he thought he had missed me. We exchanged our usual small talk and as my name was called - I left him with a little note, just to tell him how much I appreciated seeing his smiling face everyday. I wished him well and told him that I knew God had a plan for our lives.
As I walked into Treatment Room "A" - I delivered my little gifts of Ginger Elizabeth chocolates to my techs along with a Thank You note. Everyday, they treated me with such care and kindness....I just wanted them to know that I appreciated them. Upon commencing treatment (a mere minute and thirty seconds), the tears continued to flow....One of the main Tech's Mike was the first to come in....Poor guy had to deal with me, crying like a big baby. But I am sure that I was not the first woman to be emotional during their treatment, nor will I be the last.
The few days that followed my last treatment were filled with blood draws, doctor appointments with my oncologist and plastic surgeon. Nothing new, just normal checkups after radiation. I am now on Tamoxifen for the next 1,817 days - about 5 years, don't worry I am not counting down. But for now, I will see my physicians (all 3 of them) for the next 5 years. First every 2 months, then 4 until I receive clearance to go every 6 months for a couple years. I need to, and will be proactive about my health - anything that is "unexplained and persistent" will need to be addressed with my physicians.
My new "normal" has begun - as I said earlier, I feel like a new bird being released back into the wild....and you know what, it is a good place to be.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Hello Hair....nice to meet you!
Yep, its back....my hair! New and improved? I don't know yet...all I know is after months of peach fuzz on my head, it is finally here. Unfortunately, it has started growing back on my legs too...darn, I knew the benefit of not having to shave my legs was too good to last!
It first started to appear about a week before Christmas, then filling in quickly thereafter. By the time the New Year had arrived - it was making a strong come back. The kicker....it is pretty much all gray. Not a cute sassy gray, but titanium gray with lots of white! Let's face it, I am 37 years old, I am not going gray yet.
Eagerly, I ran out to Whole Foods and purchased my "chemical free" hair color. My wonderful mom applied the new color, but quickly gave the disclaimer that she was NOT responsible for the outcome of the color, since I picked it out. (Insert sound of big negative buzzer here) I can honestly say the new "chemical free" hair color was worse than the gray! Thank goodness I still had my wig! Ok, so Plan B. I headed over to my stylist's studio and she made "me" look much more like "me."
Last Thursday, I decided that I would no longer be wearing my wig. It was a very difficult decision to make. However, first I wanted to get clearance from my hubby and the kiddies - that they were OK with my new look. Sure, they were used to seeing me at home with or without a cap on....but out in public, that was an entirely different story. My wonderful hubby told me I looked beautiful and to go for it. The middle and little one were absolutely fine with it too. The older one, she needed a little more convincing. I told her that my hair WAS growing back, and I AM healthy and I don't need to wear my wig anymore. She agreed and told me that she loved me.
So now that I had their blessing, I actually had to pull the trigger....Let me tell you - I was scared. In my wig, I felt like my old self and people who did not know me - would not know any different or what I was going through. Well, despite the fact that my hair was always perfect....but hey, how did they know whether or not I had it flat ironed everyday?
My first trial run was at one of my kiddos basketball practice. It was evening and cold outside, so I was able to wear one of my hats. Most of my hair was tucked under the cap, but you could still see it on the sides. The next morning, after dropping off my kiddos in the carpool line - a friend of mine immediately called to give me the nicest compliment. She saw me the night before and just wanted to let me know how beautiful I looked and that I was glowing. I began to cry.
That day was a very emotional day for me, in a good way. I continued to receive the nicest compliments throughout the day. When I picked up my kiddos from school that afternoon (I could not hide in my car like I did in the morning), I was a nervous wreck. I kept my baseball cap in my purse, just in case I decided to chicken out...and there were plenty of times when I felt like it. But I did not, and I asked God to give me strength to pass this next hurdle.
I am so blessed to belong to a wonderful community where my kiddos attend school. Every single person I encountered were so loving and warm. If they missed me in the parking lot, they sent me an email that night - with kind and encouraging words, I will never forget that day....how I felt, how scared I was and how they made me feel safe. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Before I go, just a couple funnies to share with you...
Earlier that day, I had promised my radiation team that if I did ditch the wig, I would not wear it to radiation either...so I entered into the patient treatment room - and my buddy Herbert ( I know his name now) did a double take. He said "Hey! I like your new style" I told him, "I finally got rid of the wig" - he said "well, I kind of figured it was a wig you were wearing, but you know, its not polite to say anything." Gosh, I love you Herbert.
Then upon leaving the facility, I gave the valet my ticket - the valet man said "hey! did you do something different with your hair, you really cut it short." I said "well, before I was wearing a wig....and this is my actual hair." He then turned white and quickly ran off to get my car. I thought to myself...Seriously? You work at a Cancer Center?"
Anyway, when I think about those two particular circumstances that day...they make me laugh.
PS - Did I mention that tomorrow is my last radiation treatment day? I can't believe that it is finally here.
It first started to appear about a week before Christmas, then filling in quickly thereafter. By the time the New Year had arrived - it was making a strong come back. The kicker....it is pretty much all gray. Not a cute sassy gray, but titanium gray with lots of white! Let's face it, I am 37 years old, I am not going gray yet.
Eagerly, I ran out to Whole Foods and purchased my "chemical free" hair color. My wonderful mom applied the new color, but quickly gave the disclaimer that she was NOT responsible for the outcome of the color, since I picked it out. (Insert sound of big negative buzzer here) I can honestly say the new "chemical free" hair color was worse than the gray! Thank goodness I still had my wig! Ok, so Plan B. I headed over to my stylist's studio and she made "me" look much more like "me."
Last Thursday, I decided that I would no longer be wearing my wig. It was a very difficult decision to make. However, first I wanted to get clearance from my hubby and the kiddies - that they were OK with my new look. Sure, they were used to seeing me at home with or without a cap on....but out in public, that was an entirely different story. My wonderful hubby told me I looked beautiful and to go for it. The middle and little one were absolutely fine with it too. The older one, she needed a little more convincing. I told her that my hair WAS growing back, and I AM healthy and I don't need to wear my wig anymore. She agreed and told me that she loved me.
So now that I had their blessing, I actually had to pull the trigger....Let me tell you - I was scared. In my wig, I felt like my old self and people who did not know me - would not know any different or what I was going through. Well, despite the fact that my hair was always perfect....but hey, how did they know whether or not I had it flat ironed everyday?
My first trial run was at one of my kiddos basketball practice. It was evening and cold outside, so I was able to wear one of my hats. Most of my hair was tucked under the cap, but you could still see it on the sides. The next morning, after dropping off my kiddos in the carpool line - a friend of mine immediately called to give me the nicest compliment. She saw me the night before and just wanted to let me know how beautiful I looked and that I was glowing. I began to cry.
That day was a very emotional day for me, in a good way. I continued to receive the nicest compliments throughout the day. When I picked up my kiddos from school that afternoon (I could not hide in my car like I did in the morning), I was a nervous wreck. I kept my baseball cap in my purse, just in case I decided to chicken out...and there were plenty of times when I felt like it. But I did not, and I asked God to give me strength to pass this next hurdle.
I am so blessed to belong to a wonderful community where my kiddos attend school. Every single person I encountered were so loving and warm. If they missed me in the parking lot, they sent me an email that night - with kind and encouraging words, I will never forget that day....how I felt, how scared I was and how they made me feel safe. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Before I go, just a couple funnies to share with you...
Earlier that day, I had promised my radiation team that if I did ditch the wig, I would not wear it to radiation either...so I entered into the patient treatment room - and my buddy Herbert ( I know his name now) did a double take. He said "Hey! I like your new style" I told him, "I finally got rid of the wig" - he said "well, I kind of figured it was a wig you were wearing, but you know, its not polite to say anything." Gosh, I love you Herbert.
Then upon leaving the facility, I gave the valet my ticket - the valet man said "hey! did you do something different with your hair, you really cut it short." I said "well, before I was wearing a wig....and this is my actual hair." He then turned white and quickly ran off to get my car. I thought to myself...Seriously? You work at a Cancer Center?"
Anyway, when I think about those two particular circumstances that day...they make me laugh.
PS - Did I mention that tomorrow is my last radiation treatment day? I can't believe that it is finally here.
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