Hello Friends,
I apologize for my lack of posting...I am crazy busy with the end of the school year for the kiddies (as I am sure you are too, if you have little ones) and cannot see tomorrow from today!
I am doing well! My hair is growing in - crazy curly...yikes! I know, I am thankful - but considering that I have not had curly hair my entire life, it truly is a new adventure everyday. I am not talking about just a slight wave....its full-on curly-Q!
Now John, me and our chocolate labradoodle all look alike! Didn't someone do a study on dog owners looking like their dogs? I think I would be the poster child for that marketing campaign.
Seriously, I am moving right along. My next set of checkups are next month. I have been feeling good... getting back into a work out routine, and taking it one day at a time.
Hope you are all doing well....I promise to post some pictures soon --- I guarantee to make you laugh!
xo
Alexxa
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Cruising right along...or at least I thought...
So far so good. I've been on cruise control this past month. Cruising right along with life. Regular check ups with my physicians (yes, I have about five). Back in the groove with the kiddies activities, home responsibilities and just "stuff."
That was until last Friday. I was notified by a friend, that a mutual friend of ours was not winning her battle with breast cancer. There are too many details to list, and too many that I do not know - but the end result was that she was home from the hospital, where she had been for awhile. The cancer had metastasized, her liver was failing and the doctor gave her 1-2 weeks....by the following Wednesday she was gone.
I still cannot believe it, I am flooded with a range of emotions - but mainly sadness.
She is gone. Gone from her husband, her children, her family. I want to ask WHY, but know that it is not for me to even begin to understand. All I can do is pray that God will be with her family and do what I can to help them too.
Reality bites. This ugly disease rears its head...not only does it destroy our bodies, messes with our minds, it kills and takes away those we love.
I will miss you Shan, as I know all those who loved and knew you - will too.
That was until last Friday. I was notified by a friend, that a mutual friend of ours was not winning her battle with breast cancer. There are too many details to list, and too many that I do not know - but the end result was that she was home from the hospital, where she had been for awhile. The cancer had metastasized, her liver was failing and the doctor gave her 1-2 weeks....by the following Wednesday she was gone.
I still cannot believe it, I am flooded with a range of emotions - but mainly sadness.
She is gone. Gone from her husband, her children, her family. I want to ask WHY, but know that it is not for me to even begin to understand. All I can do is pray that God will be with her family and do what I can to help them too.
Reality bites. This ugly disease rears its head...not only does it destroy our bodies, messes with our minds, it kills and takes away those we love.
I will miss you Shan, as I know all those who loved and knew you - will too.
Monday, February 21, 2011
"Snappy"
No, not because I am fashionable - but rather because, watch it or I will snap your head right off.
It is the hormones, or in my case, the lack thereof. I have just completed my first month of tamoxifen (the estrogen blocker that I will be taking for the next 5-7 years...that's right 5-7 years, Lord help us)! I think I mentioned previously, the tumor was estrogen/progesterone positive, so hormone therapy is the final step in my treatment plan.
Thankfully, so far there have been minimal side effects. As with any drug, there are risks; however, the benefits outweigh the risks. It is my responsibility to be on top of anything out of the ordinary, and report them to my doctor right away.
OK, back to my snappiness...It is a very slippery slope, I can be perfectly fine one minute and ready to go "postal" the next. I am working on trying to find the middle ground, and it not easy. I have found that getting some sort of exercise in each day definitely helps. When it all becomes too much, I give myself a time out, and try to take a couple of long deep breaths....or just cry my eyes out.
The other day, I needed a break and John was so sweet to take the kiddies to their sporting event commitments, so I could have an hour of "me" time. I was driving in the car, listening to the radio - and a song came on that I had never heard before. It was like God was was putting it on the radio for just me.... Here is the verse:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
I've gotta trust, you know exactly what your doing
Might not be just what I choose, but this is stuff you use....
I AM so thankful for the life I have been given, and all the "stuff" that he will use.
It is the hormones, or in my case, the lack thereof. I have just completed my first month of tamoxifen (the estrogen blocker that I will be taking for the next 5-7 years...that's right 5-7 years, Lord help us)! I think I mentioned previously, the tumor was estrogen/progesterone positive, so hormone therapy is the final step in my treatment plan.
Thankfully, so far there have been minimal side effects. As with any drug, there are risks; however, the benefits outweigh the risks. It is my responsibility to be on top of anything out of the ordinary, and report them to my doctor right away.
OK, back to my snappiness...It is a very slippery slope, I can be perfectly fine one minute and ready to go "postal" the next. I am working on trying to find the middle ground, and it not easy. I have found that getting some sort of exercise in each day definitely helps. When it all becomes too much, I give myself a time out, and try to take a couple of long deep breaths....or just cry my eyes out.
The other day, I needed a break and John was so sweet to take the kiddies to their sporting event commitments, so I could have an hour of "me" time. I was driving in the car, listening to the radio - and a song came on that I had never heard before. It was like God was was putting it on the radio for just me.... Here is the verse:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
I've gotta trust, you know exactly what your doing
Might not be just what I choose, but this is stuff you use....
I AM so thankful for the life I have been given, and all the "stuff" that he will use.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What's that you say....That's it? I am done?
Well after nearly 7 months from diagnosis...I am done! Now what? And I say that literally.
11 days ago I had my last radiation treatment. I really could not believe that the "day" was finally happening. I was full of emotion (are you surprised?)...mostly happy, sometimes scared but mainly curious. What's next? I've been living my life for the past 7 months, pressing ahead and looking forward to the next treatment to check of my list. But now, there is nothing more to check off. I am being released back into the wild.
My hubby called me as I was heading downtown to my last treatment, and asked how I was doing, if I was excited....I could NOT speak. I felt like there was a lump the size of a grapefruit in my throat (not literally...don't worry). He quickly said, "Can I meet you down at the treatment center - I want to come with you?" I was able to mutter an "OK" with tears streaming down my face and in between the crying, which was close to hysteria. Why did I not plan to have him join me earlier? After all, it seemed only fitting - he was there at the beginning...why not at the finish line too?
I drove around the block a few times to allow my tears to dry, fix my makeup and fan my red face. Thankfully, we pulled in at the same time to the treatment center.
I did my usual routine...he had to wait in the waiting room while I checked in, got changed and sat down and waited for my name to be called. Of course, my buddy Herbert was waiting for me. He seemed happy to see me, as apparently his machine had broken the day before, and he thought he had missed me. We exchanged our usual small talk and as my name was called - I left him with a little note, just to tell him how much I appreciated seeing his smiling face everyday. I wished him well and told him that I knew God had a plan for our lives.
As I walked into Treatment Room "A" - I delivered my little gifts of Ginger Elizabeth chocolates to my techs along with a Thank You note. Everyday, they treated me with such care and kindness....I just wanted them to know that I appreciated them. Upon commencing treatment (a mere minute and thirty seconds), the tears continued to flow....One of the main Tech's Mike was the first to come in....Poor guy had to deal with me, crying like a big baby. But I am sure that I was not the first woman to be emotional during their treatment, nor will I be the last.
The few days that followed my last treatment were filled with blood draws, doctor appointments with my oncologist and plastic surgeon. Nothing new, just normal checkups after radiation. I am now on Tamoxifen for the next 1,817 days - about 5 years, don't worry I am not counting down. But for now, I will see my physicians (all 3 of them) for the next 5 years. First every 2 months, then 4 until I receive clearance to go every 6 months for a couple years. I need to, and will be proactive about my health - anything that is "unexplained and persistent" will need to be addressed with my physicians.
My new "normal" has begun - as I said earlier, I feel like a new bird being released back into the wild....and you know what, it is a good place to be.
11 days ago I had my last radiation treatment. I really could not believe that the "day" was finally happening. I was full of emotion (are you surprised?)...mostly happy, sometimes scared but mainly curious. What's next? I've been living my life for the past 7 months, pressing ahead and looking forward to the next treatment to check of my list. But now, there is nothing more to check off. I am being released back into the wild.
My hubby called me as I was heading downtown to my last treatment, and asked how I was doing, if I was excited....I could NOT speak. I felt like there was a lump the size of a grapefruit in my throat (not literally...don't worry). He quickly said, "Can I meet you down at the treatment center - I want to come with you?" I was able to mutter an "OK" with tears streaming down my face and in between the crying, which was close to hysteria. Why did I not plan to have him join me earlier? After all, it seemed only fitting - he was there at the beginning...why not at the finish line too?
I drove around the block a few times to allow my tears to dry, fix my makeup and fan my red face. Thankfully, we pulled in at the same time to the treatment center.
I did my usual routine...he had to wait in the waiting room while I checked in, got changed and sat down and waited for my name to be called. Of course, my buddy Herbert was waiting for me. He seemed happy to see me, as apparently his machine had broken the day before, and he thought he had missed me. We exchanged our usual small talk and as my name was called - I left him with a little note, just to tell him how much I appreciated seeing his smiling face everyday. I wished him well and told him that I knew God had a plan for our lives.
As I walked into Treatment Room "A" - I delivered my little gifts of Ginger Elizabeth chocolates to my techs along with a Thank You note. Everyday, they treated me with such care and kindness....I just wanted them to know that I appreciated them. Upon commencing treatment (a mere minute and thirty seconds), the tears continued to flow....One of the main Tech's Mike was the first to come in....Poor guy had to deal with me, crying like a big baby. But I am sure that I was not the first woman to be emotional during their treatment, nor will I be the last.
The few days that followed my last treatment were filled with blood draws, doctor appointments with my oncologist and plastic surgeon. Nothing new, just normal checkups after radiation. I am now on Tamoxifen for the next 1,817 days - about 5 years, don't worry I am not counting down. But for now, I will see my physicians (all 3 of them) for the next 5 years. First every 2 months, then 4 until I receive clearance to go every 6 months for a couple years. I need to, and will be proactive about my health - anything that is "unexplained and persistent" will need to be addressed with my physicians.
My new "normal" has begun - as I said earlier, I feel like a new bird being released back into the wild....and you know what, it is a good place to be.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Hello Hair....nice to meet you!
Yep, its back....my hair! New and improved? I don't know yet...all I know is after months of peach fuzz on my head, it is finally here. Unfortunately, it has started growing back on my legs too...darn, I knew the benefit of not having to shave my legs was too good to last!
It first started to appear about a week before Christmas, then filling in quickly thereafter. By the time the New Year had arrived - it was making a strong come back. The kicker....it is pretty much all gray. Not a cute sassy gray, but titanium gray with lots of white! Let's face it, I am 37 years old, I am not going gray yet.
Eagerly, I ran out to Whole Foods and purchased my "chemical free" hair color. My wonderful mom applied the new color, but quickly gave the disclaimer that she was NOT responsible for the outcome of the color, since I picked it out. (Insert sound of big negative buzzer here) I can honestly say the new "chemical free" hair color was worse than the gray! Thank goodness I still had my wig! Ok, so Plan B. I headed over to my stylist's studio and she made "me" look much more like "me."
Last Thursday, I decided that I would no longer be wearing my wig. It was a very difficult decision to make. However, first I wanted to get clearance from my hubby and the kiddies - that they were OK with my new look. Sure, they were used to seeing me at home with or without a cap on....but out in public, that was an entirely different story. My wonderful hubby told me I looked beautiful and to go for it. The middle and little one were absolutely fine with it too. The older one, she needed a little more convincing. I told her that my hair WAS growing back, and I AM healthy and I don't need to wear my wig anymore. She agreed and told me that she loved me.
So now that I had their blessing, I actually had to pull the trigger....Let me tell you - I was scared. In my wig, I felt like my old self and people who did not know me - would not know any different or what I was going through. Well, despite the fact that my hair was always perfect....but hey, how did they know whether or not I had it flat ironed everyday?
My first trial run was at one of my kiddos basketball practice. It was evening and cold outside, so I was able to wear one of my hats. Most of my hair was tucked under the cap, but you could still see it on the sides. The next morning, after dropping off my kiddos in the carpool line - a friend of mine immediately called to give me the nicest compliment. She saw me the night before and just wanted to let me know how beautiful I looked and that I was glowing. I began to cry.
That day was a very emotional day for me, in a good way. I continued to receive the nicest compliments throughout the day. When I picked up my kiddos from school that afternoon (I could not hide in my car like I did in the morning), I was a nervous wreck. I kept my baseball cap in my purse, just in case I decided to chicken out...and there were plenty of times when I felt like it. But I did not, and I asked God to give me strength to pass this next hurdle.
I am so blessed to belong to a wonderful community where my kiddos attend school. Every single person I encountered were so loving and warm. If they missed me in the parking lot, they sent me an email that night - with kind and encouraging words, I will never forget that day....how I felt, how scared I was and how they made me feel safe. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Before I go, just a couple funnies to share with you...
Earlier that day, I had promised my radiation team that if I did ditch the wig, I would not wear it to radiation either...so I entered into the patient treatment room - and my buddy Herbert ( I know his name now) did a double take. He said "Hey! I like your new style" I told him, "I finally got rid of the wig" - he said "well, I kind of figured it was a wig you were wearing, but you know, its not polite to say anything." Gosh, I love you Herbert.
Then upon leaving the facility, I gave the valet my ticket - the valet man said "hey! did you do something different with your hair, you really cut it short." I said "well, before I was wearing a wig....and this is my actual hair." He then turned white and quickly ran off to get my car. I thought to myself...Seriously? You work at a Cancer Center?"
Anyway, when I think about those two particular circumstances that day...they make me laugh.
PS - Did I mention that tomorrow is my last radiation treatment day? I can't believe that it is finally here.
It first started to appear about a week before Christmas, then filling in quickly thereafter. By the time the New Year had arrived - it was making a strong come back. The kicker....it is pretty much all gray. Not a cute sassy gray, but titanium gray with lots of white! Let's face it, I am 37 years old, I am not going gray yet.
Eagerly, I ran out to Whole Foods and purchased my "chemical free" hair color. My wonderful mom applied the new color, but quickly gave the disclaimer that she was NOT responsible for the outcome of the color, since I picked it out. (Insert sound of big negative buzzer here) I can honestly say the new "chemical free" hair color was worse than the gray! Thank goodness I still had my wig! Ok, so Plan B. I headed over to my stylist's studio and she made "me" look much more like "me."
Last Thursday, I decided that I would no longer be wearing my wig. It was a very difficult decision to make. However, first I wanted to get clearance from my hubby and the kiddies - that they were OK with my new look. Sure, they were used to seeing me at home with or without a cap on....but out in public, that was an entirely different story. My wonderful hubby told me I looked beautiful and to go for it. The middle and little one were absolutely fine with it too. The older one, she needed a little more convincing. I told her that my hair WAS growing back, and I AM healthy and I don't need to wear my wig anymore. She agreed and told me that she loved me.
So now that I had their blessing, I actually had to pull the trigger....Let me tell you - I was scared. In my wig, I felt like my old self and people who did not know me - would not know any different or what I was going through. Well, despite the fact that my hair was always perfect....but hey, how did they know whether or not I had it flat ironed everyday?
My first trial run was at one of my kiddos basketball practice. It was evening and cold outside, so I was able to wear one of my hats. Most of my hair was tucked under the cap, but you could still see it on the sides. The next morning, after dropping off my kiddos in the carpool line - a friend of mine immediately called to give me the nicest compliment. She saw me the night before and just wanted to let me know how beautiful I looked and that I was glowing. I began to cry.
That day was a very emotional day for me, in a good way. I continued to receive the nicest compliments throughout the day. When I picked up my kiddos from school that afternoon (I could not hide in my car like I did in the morning), I was a nervous wreck. I kept my baseball cap in my purse, just in case I decided to chicken out...and there were plenty of times when I felt like it. But I did not, and I asked God to give me strength to pass this next hurdle.
I am so blessed to belong to a wonderful community where my kiddos attend school. Every single person I encountered were so loving and warm. If they missed me in the parking lot, they sent me an email that night - with kind and encouraging words, I will never forget that day....how I felt, how scared I was and how they made me feel safe. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Before I go, just a couple funnies to share with you...
Earlier that day, I had promised my radiation team that if I did ditch the wig, I would not wear it to radiation either...so I entered into the patient treatment room - and my buddy Herbert ( I know his name now) did a double take. He said "Hey! I like your new style" I told him, "I finally got rid of the wig" - he said "well, I kind of figured it was a wig you were wearing, but you know, its not polite to say anything." Gosh, I love you Herbert.
Then upon leaving the facility, I gave the valet my ticket - the valet man said "hey! did you do something different with your hair, you really cut it short." I said "well, before I was wearing a wig....and this is my actual hair." He then turned white and quickly ran off to get my car. I thought to myself...Seriously? You work at a Cancer Center?"
Anyway, when I think about those two particular circumstances that day...they make me laugh.
PS - Did I mention that tomorrow is my last radiation treatment day? I can't believe that it is finally here.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
12 down....But who's counting?
I am! 12 down and 13 to go....Yea! I am officially half way thru radiation!
You already know the process - nothing much has changed with the exception that I see my radiation oncologist weekly for any skin changes on the area receiving radiation. I am starting to have a little skin reaction, totally normal, which just stings a bit.
Today, however, I smelled something funny during the last 30 seconds of my last blast. I explained it to the techs, and they described it as "ozone" and patients do mention the smell from time to time.
I did some research and it could be caused from the Linear Accelerator. This fancy machine delivers the high powered x-rays to the area where my tumor once was and destroys any remaining bad cells. The total session lasts about 1 1/2 - 2 mins and moves into 4 maybe 5 different positions. Apparently, the Linear Accelerator can make this stinky smell as it is blasting me...not sure if it is a reaction from my skin? I'll have to report back next week to see if the smell continues.
Sleepy? Yes, I am tired. To be honest I don't know if it is from the radiation or the holidays?
Our Christmas festivities were filled fun. We kicked off the week with a great family dinner --- where we connected with John's cousins, aunts and cute babies just added to the family. On Christmas Eve, we attended mass and then continued the family gathering at a local restaurant (the smartest move we ever did) - no one had to cook! Christmas morning was just as fun, as people slowly arrived in waves and by the time we sat down to dinner - we had 20 at our house. Everyone brought something, helped clean and made it very easy.
This year, we partook in the 2nd Annual Peppermint Pig cracking. The Peppermint Pig was brought to us last year by John's sister and her family - which was introduced to her from her husbands family...follow?
A Pink Peppermint Candy Flavored Pig (about the size of a 4x6 index card) is put into a small red velvet like bag and a little hammer is used to hit the pig, but not before each person takes a turn around the table....each saying a little something for which they are thankful. The little kids even enjoy participating. It is a nice way to reflect upon the year. This year, there was not a dry eye around the table - lots of reflection upon Faith, Family and Love. It was really a wonderful evening.
I don't know about you - but we were in our PJ's for most of the next day....I think I finally upgraded to sweats about 2pm!
On to New Years....We plan to be mellow. We will be ushering in the New Year counting our blessings, and anticipating many more in the coming year.
Love to all...
You already know the process - nothing much has changed with the exception that I see my radiation oncologist weekly for any skin changes on the area receiving radiation. I am starting to have a little skin reaction, totally normal, which just stings a bit.
Today, however, I smelled something funny during the last 30 seconds of my last blast. I explained it to the techs, and they described it as "ozone" and patients do mention the smell from time to time.
I did some research and it could be caused from the Linear Accelerator. This fancy machine delivers the high powered x-rays to the area where my tumor once was and destroys any remaining bad cells. The total session lasts about 1 1/2 - 2 mins and moves into 4 maybe 5 different positions. Apparently, the Linear Accelerator can make this stinky smell as it is blasting me...not sure if it is a reaction from my skin? I'll have to report back next week to see if the smell continues.
Sleepy? Yes, I am tired. To be honest I don't know if it is from the radiation or the holidays?
Our Christmas festivities were filled fun. We kicked off the week with a great family dinner --- where we connected with John's cousins, aunts and cute babies just added to the family. On Christmas Eve, we attended mass and then continued the family gathering at a local restaurant (the smartest move we ever did) - no one had to cook! Christmas morning was just as fun, as people slowly arrived in waves and by the time we sat down to dinner - we had 20 at our house. Everyone brought something, helped clean and made it very easy.
This year, we partook in the 2nd Annual Peppermint Pig cracking. The Peppermint Pig was brought to us last year by John's sister and her family - which was introduced to her from her husbands family...follow?
A Pink Peppermint Candy Flavored Pig (about the size of a 4x6 index card) is put into a small red velvet like bag and a little hammer is used to hit the pig, but not before each person takes a turn around the table....each saying a little something for which they are thankful. The little kids even enjoy participating. It is a nice way to reflect upon the year. This year, there was not a dry eye around the table - lots of reflection upon Faith, Family and Love. It was really a wonderful evening.
I don't know about you - but we were in our PJ's for most of the next day....I think I finally upgraded to sweats about 2pm!
On to New Years....We plan to be mellow. We will be ushering in the New Year counting our blessings, and anticipating many more in the coming year.
Love to all...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Groundhog Day
If you have ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day" then you know what I am talking about. It is probably one of my favorite movies, and just thinking about it makes me chuckle. This movie is currently my life...well, at least for an hour of my day - everyday, for the next 5 weeks.
In the mid morning hour, I find myself driving down highway 50 to the Sutter Cancer Center where my treatment will take place. I pull into the valet parking area (thank goodness with all the construction going on down there), give the name of my doctor, take the valet ticket and hop on the elevator down to the lower level. Scan my identification card, go to the changing area, say "hi" to the gentleman who is sitting there drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper (as he is waiting for his treatment), change into my fabulous Annie & Isabel gown (which I always get compliments on), and lock up my belongings in the locker, yes, the same locker every time.
I head on back to the common area, make a few minutes of small talk with the man drinking his coffee and a voice over the intercom calls me back for treatment. I think they draw straws to determine who has to call me back, for fear of having to say my last name....now they just call me Alexxa.
As I enter "Treatment Room A", my mold (made special just for me) is waiting for me on the table. I lay (or is it lie??) back on the table and a huge circular machine (probably the size of an extra large pizza) looms over me. Inside, is the machine which will deliver the radiation to specified location on my chest and armpit. The machine is carefully set to my tattoos, which looks more like a laser beam running on an "x" and "y" axis and the radiation is almost set to begin. However, the techs leave the room and a door 2 feet thick slowly closes behind them...and I am not exaggerating on the thickness. There I am all by myself (and the camera's so the techs can see me) and the procedure begins. I have tried counting --- but I keep screwing up....I think it is 4-5 different times the machine moves with radiation administered in increments as short as 12 seconds to lasting up to 1 minute. It is all very fast, and painless --- pretty much like an x-ray.
After I am finished, the techs re-enter the room, I leave the table and head for the dressing room. Get dressed, put my gown in my bag, say good bye to the gentleman reading the newspaper and still drinking his coffee and head upstairs for the car. Give the valet my ticket, my car arrives, tip the valet and I am off and running.
All of this usually happens in the course of 1 hour, start to finish.....and repeats Monday thru Friday.
It is pretty un-eventful and I am thankful that I am feeling fine. They say that the reactions vary from person to person. I am a little bit tired these days, but I truly believe that it is because of the holiday season. Yes, I am not at home relaxing right now....I've got too much to do, preparing for Christmas with my family.
This Christmas I am reflecting on many many things I am thankful for...but mainly for the baby, who became a man, who died for me.
In the mid morning hour, I find myself driving down highway 50 to the Sutter Cancer Center where my treatment will take place. I pull into the valet parking area (thank goodness with all the construction going on down there), give the name of my doctor, take the valet ticket and hop on the elevator down to the lower level. Scan my identification card, go to the changing area, say "hi" to the gentleman who is sitting there drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper (as he is waiting for his treatment), change into my fabulous Annie & Isabel gown (which I always get compliments on), and lock up my belongings in the locker, yes, the same locker every time.
I head on back to the common area, make a few minutes of small talk with the man drinking his coffee and a voice over the intercom calls me back for treatment. I think they draw straws to determine who has to call me back, for fear of having to say my last name....now they just call me Alexxa.
As I enter "Treatment Room A", my mold (made special just for me) is waiting for me on the table. I lay (or is it lie??) back on the table and a huge circular machine (probably the size of an extra large pizza) looms over me. Inside, is the machine which will deliver the radiation to specified location on my chest and armpit. The machine is carefully set to my tattoos, which looks more like a laser beam running on an "x" and "y" axis and the radiation is almost set to begin. However, the techs leave the room and a door 2 feet thick slowly closes behind them...and I am not exaggerating on the thickness. There I am all by myself (and the camera's so the techs can see me) and the procedure begins. I have tried counting --- but I keep screwing up....I think it is 4-5 different times the machine moves with radiation administered in increments as short as 12 seconds to lasting up to 1 minute. It is all very fast, and painless --- pretty much like an x-ray.
After I am finished, the techs re-enter the room, I leave the table and head for the dressing room. Get dressed, put my gown in my bag, say good bye to the gentleman reading the newspaper and still drinking his coffee and head upstairs for the car. Give the valet my ticket, my car arrives, tip the valet and I am off and running.
All of this usually happens in the course of 1 hour, start to finish.....and repeats Monday thru Friday.
It is pretty un-eventful and I am thankful that I am feeling fine. They say that the reactions vary from person to person. I am a little bit tired these days, but I truly believe that it is because of the holiday season. Yes, I am not at home relaxing right now....I've got too much to do, preparing for Christmas with my family.
This Christmas I am reflecting on many many things I am thankful for...but mainly for the baby, who became a man, who died for me.
Monday, December 13, 2010
The ups, the downs and the in between...
The holidayseason is here...the shopping, the stress and I get to add radiation to the mix...how exciting!!
Last friday I had a check up with my oncologist. My blood work reflected that my immunity is up, white blood cells are rebuilding themselves. My hair is starting to grow back (slowly) and I am on my way back to being normal again. Unfortunately, it took a total breakdown in the doctor's office to find this out. My unassuming doctor simply asked, "And how are you feeling Alexxa" and I burst into hysterical tears, the kind where you can't catch your breath. She sweetly told me that I have been running a marathon race for the past 6 months. From the date of diagnosis, to surgery, to chemo and so on. My life has been filled with focusing on the next step. Well now, I have had a lull in my program, a moment to think - and you know what, I don't think that is good for anyone to do. To "think" and process. It's not safe I tell you!
I learned that this "normal" will be a "new normal" and it is not going to be like a light switch being flipped. Well that is very difficult for someone like me to understand, the Type A personality that I have...but I am learning to accept it.
The hormones in my body are at fever pitch...I could be as happy as a clam one minute and ready to snap someone's head off the next. Wow, I am such a fun person to be around. The alternative to all this madness is not something I am ready to embrace quite yet, and that is medication. Don't get me wrong, I do not frown upon this type of help --- it is just that my body has been so full of drugs these past months, I can't see adding anything else to the mix.
Instead, I am trying to establish some sort of routine and organization to my life. I get up every morning and read my devotional, write in my journal and look forward to starting off the day on a positive note. The key is waking up early enough where I have enough time to do this, in peace and quiet -- before the kiddos arise. So far, so good, it is helping. This coupled with working out on my elliptical and walking the dog is also good for the mental state of mind. I am feeling better inside and out, and I am sure my family is quietly thankful.
Radiation begins Tuesday....I will keep you posted.
I learned that this "normal" will be a "new normal" and it is not going to be like a light switch being flipped. Well that is very difficult for someone like me to understand, the Type A personality that I have...but I am learning to accept it.
The hormones in my body are at fever pitch...I could be as happy as a clam one minute and ready to snap someone's head off the next. Wow, I am such a fun person to be around. The alternative to all this madness is not something I am ready to embrace quite yet, and that is medication. Don't get me wrong, I do not frown upon this type of help --- it is just that my body has been so full of drugs these past months, I can't see adding anything else to the mix.
Instead, I am trying to establish some sort of routine and organization to my life. I get up every morning and read my devotional, write in my journal and look forward to starting off the day on a positive note. The key is waking up early enough where I have enough time to do this, in peace and quiet -- before the kiddos arise. So far, so good, it is helping. This coupled with working out on my elliptical and walking the dog is also good for the mental state of mind. I am feeling better inside and out, and I am sure my family is quietly thankful.
Radiation begins Tuesday....I will keep you posted.
Lastly, I would be lying if I did not say that the recent passing of Elizabeth Edwards, did not impact me. Like most of us, we did not know her personally and to be honest I remembered that she had been diagnosed years ago, but she was not on my radar until the news broke that she was ill. Unfortunately the very next day she passed away, which was more of a shock. I know in my heart that my battle is different than hers. However, living day to day life does not get any easier --- it is a thought that is in the back of my mind trying to take root. The fear factor wants to take control, and I will not let it win.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
In my own little world...
Population: ME
It's been awhile, I know....I have truly been in my own little world. I have been sucked back into the never ending scheduling of days, from dawn to dusk. I am feeling better, but not quite 100% a yet, which was evident during a feeble attempt of mine on the elliptical trainer. I am not even up to WALKING speed yet, without my legs aching in pain and the use of an oxygen tank. Just kidding, I do not need the oxygen tank...however, it would be nice. I have not ventured to the gym yet. A few years ago, we bought an elliptical trainer, which was used for awhile....but you know how that goes. So there it sat for several months collecting dust. Now I realize that perhaps there WAS a purpose for buying this torture device. Since, I do not have the desire to go to the gym --- and I would prefer to workout without my wig on (it gets rather hot), this is actually the perfect alternative especially in the rainy weather.
Before I get too far along, let me back up a few weeks....to my Final Treatment.
My final treatment went well. My best buddy Stacey accompanied me, and John met us there. I am so thankful for my dear friend Stacey - taking me to the infusion center can be an intimidating task. She is always strong, she holds my hand when they are poking me to set up my vein for my meds, and tells me funny stories to distract me from real life.
I was a little too anxious. I did not feel better as quickly as I thought I would. In MY mind I was "done" and I would instantly feel better, the hair on my head would grow back, and I would begin feeling like my old self again. Well, unfortunately this was not the case. I know I need to be patient... And I am trying.
I was itchy all over from the meds, and at times I was crawling out of my skin. Did I mention the hot flashes? Oh yes, they are an added benefit.
The first day of Thanksgiving break started off with a bang....Beginning at 8:00am, I had all 3 kiddos at the emergency vet for the dog (an ultrasound, anti nausea meds, and $750 later she was fine). From there I met my wonderful sitter at the corner gas station, to pass off the kids to her, minus the dog who was still at the vet. From there I sped off to my radiation "set up" appointment. I was molded, marked and given tattoos of where the radiation would be be on my body. After that I had to stop for a quick lab draw to check my white blood count. It was still pretty low and my immunity is still at risk, so I am washing my hands constantly, spraying the kids down with sanitizer and doing everything I can to stay healthy. Finally I made it home just in time to grab the kids for an orthodontist consultation. Surprise...Bella needs braces! Needless to say, she is thrilled and is already picking out the color of her rubber bands. So that was my Monday...the rest of week was not nearly as exciting, thankfully!
We were able to celebrate Thanksgiving with both of our families out of town, and I got a free pass not to cook! To many things to list this year to be thankful for, mainly my friends and family who have been so wonderful to me.
Ok, fast forward to today....
Radiation will begin on December 14th, for 5 weeks. The good news is that my scheduled time will be in-between dropping off and picking up the littlest one at preschool. The bad news is that I will have radiation during the kids Christmas vacation. My wonderful mom has offered to fill in the gaps when I need her...note, she has moved back home and we miss her dearly!
Radiation is not supposed to be painful, but I have heard that I may become tired and it is cumulative.
Tomorrow I have another follow up appointment with my oncologist, just to check in and see how I am doing now that chemo is done.
I apologize for not updating you more and sooner. I promise to take the time and let you know how I am doing. You would probably appreciate only having to read just a paragraph or two, instead of a book!
Thank you for your continued prayers, notes of encouragement and love. I am almost there --- I could not do any of this without your love and support.
It's been awhile, I know....I have truly been in my own little world. I have been sucked back into the never ending scheduling of days, from dawn to dusk. I am feeling better, but not quite 100% a yet, which was evident during a feeble attempt of mine on the elliptical trainer. I am not even up to WALKING speed yet, without my legs aching in pain and the use of an oxygen tank. Just kidding, I do not need the oxygen tank...however, it would be nice. I have not ventured to the gym yet. A few years ago, we bought an elliptical trainer, which was used for awhile....but you know how that goes. So there it sat for several months collecting dust. Now I realize that perhaps there WAS a purpose for buying this torture device. Since, I do not have the desire to go to the gym --- and I would prefer to workout without my wig on (it gets rather hot), this is actually the perfect alternative especially in the rainy weather.
Before I get too far along, let me back up a few weeks....to my Final Treatment.
My final treatment went well. My best buddy Stacey accompanied me, and John met us there. I am so thankful for my dear friend Stacey - taking me to the infusion center can be an intimidating task. She is always strong, she holds my hand when they are poking me to set up my vein for my meds, and tells me funny stories to distract me from real life.
I was a little too anxious. I did not feel better as quickly as I thought I would. In MY mind I was "done" and I would instantly feel better, the hair on my head would grow back, and I would begin feeling like my old self again. Well, unfortunately this was not the case. I know I need to be patient... And I am trying.
I was itchy all over from the meds, and at times I was crawling out of my skin. Did I mention the hot flashes? Oh yes, they are an added benefit.
The first day of Thanksgiving break started off with a bang....Beginning at 8:00am, I had all 3 kiddos at the emergency vet for the dog (an ultrasound, anti nausea meds, and $750 later she was fine). From there I met my wonderful sitter at the corner gas station, to pass off the kids to her, minus the dog who was still at the vet. From there I sped off to my radiation "set up" appointment. I was molded, marked and given tattoos of where the radiation would be be on my body. After that I had to stop for a quick lab draw to check my white blood count. It was still pretty low and my immunity is still at risk, so I am washing my hands constantly, spraying the kids down with sanitizer and doing everything I can to stay healthy. Finally I made it home just in time to grab the kids for an orthodontist consultation. Surprise...Bella needs braces! Needless to say, she is thrilled and is already picking out the color of her rubber bands. So that was my Monday...the rest of week was not nearly as exciting, thankfully!
We were able to celebrate Thanksgiving with both of our families out of town, and I got a free pass not to cook! To many things to list this year to be thankful for, mainly my friends and family who have been so wonderful to me.
Ok, fast forward to today....
Radiation will begin on December 14th, for 5 weeks. The good news is that my scheduled time will be in-between dropping off and picking up the littlest one at preschool. The bad news is that I will have radiation during the kids Christmas vacation. My wonderful mom has offered to fill in the gaps when I need her...note, she has moved back home and we miss her dearly!
Radiation is not supposed to be painful, but I have heard that I may become tired and it is cumulative.
Tomorrow I have another follow up appointment with my oncologist, just to check in and see how I am doing now that chemo is done.
I apologize for not updating you more and sooner. I promise to take the time and let you know how I am doing. You would probably appreciate only having to read just a paragraph or two, instead of a book!
Thank you for your continued prayers, notes of encouragement and love. I am almost there --- I could not do any of this without your love and support.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
My Life Path....
Blue Shield (who happens to be my health insurance provider....lucky them huh?) has registered their domain name as www.mylifepath.com Tonight, as I am preparing myself for the big day tomorrow....my FINAL chemotherapy treatment...I am reflecting on exactly that - My Life's Path.
Tomorrow is a BIG day! Stacey, my dear friend and recent business partner accompanied me to my 7th treatment (John had an issue come up at work, so he joined me later....) and will tomorrow too. As we were discussing tomorrow, the logistics and how exciting it will be, I told her that I don't think the reality of the "day" has hit me yet...I've been on chemotherapy for 16 weeks and it ends tomorrow?
Now what?
Yes, I will have radiation. 25 sessions, which broken down into 5 weeks/5 days a week (I do not mean to imply that you do not know your multiplication tables, but people tend to be shocked to find out that I have to go, every day for 5 weeks) - I will gladly take it... anything other than being stuck with a few needles and pumped full of toxic medications, sign me up! Sorry, I am rambling.
Enough of the physical and medical issues. What is going to be My Life's Path? God, what do you have planned for me? Do I even dare to ask?
During this time I have relied a lot upon the wonderful people around me, my faith, and my music....NONE of them have let me down. One of the many songs which always inspires me is called "Beautiful." I wish I was technically savvy enough to figure out how to play it on this blog. For now, I will have to post a couple of lines. It keeps me going during my rough days.
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
I am not thinking of physical beauty, but inner beauty - specifically, "I WAS meant for so much more than all of this." The pain, hurt and fear.
I don't have a plan, I am not going to be the same person I was. How could I be? I am going to accept each day as a wonderful gift given to me, and try to spend it wisely...with my amazing husband, my darling girls, my wonderful family, my dear friends and more in my faith. I am already experiencing a shift in my priorities, I am sure that there are more to come.
Thank you for listening. I hope to keep writing and updating you on my progress thru radiation...
P.S. Happy Birthday Daddy (November 8th), this will definitely be a memorable birthday for you and for me...I love you.
Tomorrow is a BIG day! Stacey, my dear friend and recent business partner accompanied me to my 7th treatment (John had an issue come up at work, so he joined me later....) and will tomorrow too. As we were discussing tomorrow, the logistics and how exciting it will be, I told her that I don't think the reality of the "day" has hit me yet...I've been on chemotherapy for 16 weeks and it ends tomorrow?
Now what?
Yes, I will have radiation. 25 sessions, which broken down into 5 weeks/5 days a week (I do not mean to imply that you do not know your multiplication tables, but people tend to be shocked to find out that I have to go, every day for 5 weeks) - I will gladly take it... anything other than being stuck with a few needles and pumped full of toxic medications, sign me up! Sorry, I am rambling.
Enough of the physical and medical issues. What is going to be My Life's Path? God, what do you have planned for me? Do I even dare to ask?
During this time I have relied a lot upon the wonderful people around me, my faith, and my music....NONE of them have let me down. One of the many songs which always inspires me is called "Beautiful." I wish I was technically savvy enough to figure out how to play it on this blog. For now, I will have to post a couple of lines. It keeps me going during my rough days.
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
I am not thinking of physical beauty, but inner beauty - specifically, "I WAS meant for so much more than all of this." The pain, hurt and fear.
I don't have a plan, I am not going to be the same person I was. How could I be? I am going to accept each day as a wonderful gift given to me, and try to spend it wisely...with my amazing husband, my darling girls, my wonderful family, my dear friends and more in my faith. I am already experiencing a shift in my priorities, I am sure that there are more to come.
Thank you for listening. I hope to keep writing and updating you on my progress thru radiation...
P.S. Happy Birthday Daddy (November 8th), this will definitely be a memorable birthday for you and for me...I love you.
Monday, October 25, 2010
PINK...It's a Love/Hate thing..
It's October, and PINK is all around me. I love pink. We have 3 adorable girls, so we have a ton of pink in our house. It has it's own laundry cycle...lights, darks, and pinks. I like pink lipstick, I have a pink wig, get the picture.
This month, I'm not loving pink as much as I usually do. With Breast Cancer Awareness month in full swing, I think I might throw up...It's everywhere!
I don't want pink to be a reminder of what I am fighting or fought. I want pink to be that same color of red mixed with white that I once loved, with no strings attached. Will I ever get back to my happy place of pink?
I recently shared a story with my friend - this is what happens when you try to Fight the Pink Power:
Yesterday my hubby bought me a new iphone, which was very sweet. I went to get a new case for it, and was decision time. I got rebellious. I thought to myself, "You know what...I am tired of pink, I am rebelling and getting a different color"...so I went with bright aqua and pink trim (I know, big rebel, huh?). Upon leaving, I realized that I forgot to run to the grocery store and grab some bread for the kids lunches this week.
Of course, over the loud system at the grocery store -- "In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we have "such and such" girls from "such and such local" school, at the front of the store accepting donations...no amount is too little, and your support is appreciated." I am frozen in the bread aisle. Shoot! Now I have to pass them. I am tired of thinking about breast cancer today, I have a treatment tomorrow, I am tired of pink. I just want to go home and crawl into bed!
As I check out and head towards the exit (and them)...They are so cute, all decked out in pink. You can tell they put a lot of time into their booth - pink balloons, pink tablecloths, etc. As I approach their booth, I can barely speak. They show me what I can have if I donate $1 (a pin, a tin of mints, a plastic compact and a handmade pink ribbon). I hand them a $20 - which I wish I could run to the ATM and empty out my entire bank account and give them everything I have. They are so excited to receive my donation they want to give me a little bit of everything. I only want 3 pins, one for each of my girls and 3 of their homemade ribbons.
As I am leaving the store, I am sobbing, I mean the kind of hysterical crying that you need cucumbers to bring down the swelling! I wish I could have said, "Thank you so much for what you are doing today" and "You are helping people like ME, who are fighting to beat this, and for my 3 little girls who I pray every day will never have to deal with this" to those little girls, but I just could not even mutter the words.
Upon arriving home, I sit in the car, in the garage and finish my sobbing....OK, OK, I get it God, I will not fight the pink power. I will embrace it and acknowledge what it means in my life today. It is just a color, but to so many others (and me) it means HOPE, FAITH and the PROMISE of tomorrow.
With that, I put on my new pink pajamas and went to bed.
This month, I'm not loving pink as much as I usually do. With Breast Cancer Awareness month in full swing, I think I might throw up...It's everywhere!
I don't want pink to be a reminder of what I am fighting or fought. I want pink to be that same color of red mixed with white that I once loved, with no strings attached. Will I ever get back to my happy place of pink?
I recently shared a story with my friend - this is what happens when you try to Fight the Pink Power:
Yesterday my hubby bought me a new iphone, which was very sweet. I went to get a new case for it, and was decision time. I got rebellious. I thought to myself, "You know what...I am tired of pink, I am rebelling and getting a different color"...so I went with bright aqua and pink trim (I know, big rebel, huh?). Upon leaving, I realized that I forgot to run to the grocery store and grab some bread for the kids lunches this week.
Of course, over the loud system at the grocery store -- "In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we have "such and such" girls from "such and such local" school, at the front of the store accepting donations...no amount is too little, and your support is appreciated." I am frozen in the bread aisle. Shoot! Now I have to pass them. I am tired of thinking about breast cancer today, I have a treatment tomorrow, I am tired of pink. I just want to go home and crawl into bed!
As I check out and head towards the exit (and them)...They are so cute, all decked out in pink. You can tell they put a lot of time into their booth - pink balloons, pink tablecloths, etc. As I approach their booth, I can barely speak. They show me what I can have if I donate $1 (a pin, a tin of mints, a plastic compact and a handmade pink ribbon). I hand them a $20 - which I wish I could run to the ATM and empty out my entire bank account and give them everything I have. They are so excited to receive my donation they want to give me a little bit of everything. I only want 3 pins, one for each of my girls and 3 of their homemade ribbons.
As I am leaving the store, I am sobbing, I mean the kind of hysterical crying that you need cucumbers to bring down the swelling! I wish I could have said, "Thank you so much for what you are doing today" and "You are helping people like ME, who are fighting to beat this, and for my 3 little girls who I pray every day will never have to deal with this" to those little girls, but I just could not even mutter the words.
Upon arriving home, I sit in the car, in the garage and finish my sobbing....OK, OK, I get it God, I will not fight the pink power. I will embrace it and acknowledge what it means in my life today. It is just a color, but to so many others (and me) it means HOPE, FAITH and the PROMISE of tomorrow.
With that, I put on my new pink pajamas and went to bed.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thank You - Mom & Dad
Sorry for not updating faithful friends. It has been a busy week. Monday, the 18th I celebrated my 37th birthday. The few days leading up to the "big day" were bittersweet. Some tears of happiness, some tears of sadness, some tears just because I felt like it.
Sometimes I sometimes think to myself...How hard it must be on my parents to have a child who is facing this challenge. How can you ever prepare yourself for something like that? In the years proceeding up to this diagnosis (basically the day I entered the world on October 18, 1973 to June 11, 2010), my parents have ALWAYS been there for me...But they have even more so in the past four months.
My mom has been living with us 5 days a week since my surgery June 24th. She arrives Sunday night and leaves Friday night. She cooks, she cleans, she does the laundry, she grocery shops, she tends to the kids if I need help, she helps me make lunches...pretty much ANYTHING I need. Her big weeks are my treatment weeks, when I could be in bed for a few days.
My dad too, although he does not stay with us, he has been a rock. First of all, he has allowed my mom to live with us during this time. He also stops by and checks in daily to see what we might need. As most men are, he is in a supervisory role (or at least we let him think so :)), providing emotional stability, lots of encouragement, heavy duty praying, hugs when needed and of course taking out the trash. Don't worry we feed him a couple times a week too. There is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about how blessed I am to have my parents with me during this time.
Tonight as I update this diary, I just wanted to say Thank You Mom and Dad for seeing me and my family thru this time.
Thank you for ...
Life
Guidance
Patience
Encouragement
Faith
Love
And for ALWAYS being there.....ALWAYS.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Annie & Isabel --- Thank you for your kind words!
A friend of mine, and her sister (both registered nurses) started a darling company called Annie & Isabel. They make stylish hospital gowns for new mommies, but also have another gown that is near and dear to me....The Elizabeth Gown.
My fellow breast cancer survivor and angel, Noelle gave me "The Elizabeth Gown"days before I was to have my surgery.
I wanted to give them a testimonial on how this gown, really did help me on a day when I was so frightened. I hope I was able to do it justice. Here it is for your reading pleasure:
http://annieandisabelblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/story-of-alexxa-breast-cancer-survivor.html
Thank you Anna again for all your prayers, love and support.
My fellow breast cancer survivor and angel, Noelle gave me "The Elizabeth Gown"days before I was to have my surgery.
I wanted to give them a testimonial on how this gown, really did help me on a day when I was so frightened. I hope I was able to do it justice. Here it is for your reading pleasure:
http://annieandisabelblog.blogspot.com/2010/10/story-of-alexxa-breast-cancer-survivor.html
Thank you Anna again for all your prayers, love and support.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Late details on the final set of treatments...
Almost two weeks ago, I embarked on my second set of treatments. There will be a total of four - so as of now, I only have three more to go!
The day itself was an emotional one. I am the girl who walks in the treatment center with my arms loaded full of stuff...magazines, snacks, cozy blankets and smiles. This particular day, I was full of tears. It was the fear of the unknown that was getting me this time. How was my body going to react to this new drug? Was my inflamed vein, still sensitive to the touch going to be a problem? How long was this going to take? I just wanted to be at home, safe in my bed.
After the usual drawing of blood for labs, I continued upstairs to meet with my doctor. She always puts me at ease, even though she is very matter-a-fact, she is kind and sensitive and makes me feel better. After a thorough exam, its official, the vein that was hurting me is no longer able to be used. The last treatment of the "hard stuff" damaged the inside of the vein wall. It's still irritated but it will heal, in time, and may not be until after I am done with the final three. We all agree together, I am in the home stretch...and thankful that I have other veins to chose from. There is no need to implement a port or other device....whew!
After my appointment, John and I head down to the treatment area....its backlogged for at least an hour. We decide to go grab some lunch at a local spot. It's one of the few times I have been in public without my wig, and only wearing a scarf. I forget how strange it feels to have people look at me, with question in their eyes. When I am in my wig, they don't pay attention to me the same way.
We head back and the room is still packed. We nab the only seat available. It's comfortable at first...then fast forward 4 hours later. The treatment chair next to me has changed over two times....in that time I have learned more details than I care to know about two different families. I know about jobs, finances, family issues, the list goes on. I think each person receiving treatment had 4 people with them...it was non stop. It's an awkward situation at best, wanting to yell "BE QUIET" at the top of your lungs....however, I refrain and determine that next time I am bringing ear phones.
I arrived home almost eight hours later, a little queasy and exhausted but happy to see my girls and my parents. I eat my traditional dinner of top ramen, say my prayers and head off to bed.
Thankfully the next morning (day 2) feels more like day 7 of the prior treatments. I take my anti-nausea meds, get up eat breakfast and feel human again. The rest of the week only got better. I was careful not to push it, resting when I needed to, and ventured out for a few errands by Thursday. Needless to say, it was a good week.
I am gearing up again for another Monday, unfortunately I have a cold which slowly showed itself beginning Tuesday this week. I am treating all the symptoms with humidifiers, vicks vapo rub, liquids and lots of rest. I need to be healthy by Monday or they will not allow me to receive my treatment. Which I am NOT going to miss.
The day itself was an emotional one. I am the girl who walks in the treatment center with my arms loaded full of stuff...magazines, snacks, cozy blankets and smiles. This particular day, I was full of tears. It was the fear of the unknown that was getting me this time. How was my body going to react to this new drug? Was my inflamed vein, still sensitive to the touch going to be a problem? How long was this going to take? I just wanted to be at home, safe in my bed.
After the usual drawing of blood for labs, I continued upstairs to meet with my doctor. She always puts me at ease, even though she is very matter-a-fact, she is kind and sensitive and makes me feel better. After a thorough exam, its official, the vein that was hurting me is no longer able to be used. The last treatment of the "hard stuff" damaged the inside of the vein wall. It's still irritated but it will heal, in time, and may not be until after I am done with the final three. We all agree together, I am in the home stretch...and thankful that I have other veins to chose from. There is no need to implement a port or other device....whew!
After my appointment, John and I head down to the treatment area....its backlogged for at least an hour. We decide to go grab some lunch at a local spot. It's one of the few times I have been in public without my wig, and only wearing a scarf. I forget how strange it feels to have people look at me, with question in their eyes. When I am in my wig, they don't pay attention to me the same way.
We head back and the room is still packed. We nab the only seat available. It's comfortable at first...then fast forward 4 hours later. The treatment chair next to me has changed over two times....in that time I have learned more details than I care to know about two different families. I know about jobs, finances, family issues, the list goes on. I think each person receiving treatment had 4 people with them...it was non stop. It's an awkward situation at best, wanting to yell "BE QUIET" at the top of your lungs....however, I refrain and determine that next time I am bringing ear phones.
I arrived home almost eight hours later, a little queasy and exhausted but happy to see my girls and my parents. I eat my traditional dinner of top ramen, say my prayers and head off to bed.
Thankfully the next morning (day 2) feels more like day 7 of the prior treatments. I take my anti-nausea meds, get up eat breakfast and feel human again. The rest of the week only got better. I was careful not to push it, resting when I needed to, and ventured out for a few errands by Thursday. Needless to say, it was a good week.
I am gearing up again for another Monday, unfortunately I have a cold which slowly showed itself beginning Tuesday this week. I am treating all the symptoms with humidifiers, vicks vapo rub, liquids and lots of rest. I need to be healthy by Monday or they will not allow me to receive my treatment. Which I am NOT going to miss.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Today is the day...
Today I begin my second set of 4 sessions. This drug is "supposed" to be more manageable. I am praying that it is. I won't know for a couple of days, so I will have to keep you posted.
I am still doing well. Tired and big dark circles under my eyes. I have not been as diligent on the "resting part" as I should be. I like to do what I can, when I can. As I told you before, treatments weeks tend to be rough -- but my non treatment weeks are a treat.
Its kind of funny, because I tend to see quite a few people out and about on my non treatment weeks. I wonder if they think I am faking it? They are always so sweet and tell me how great I look, and that they would not be able to tell, if they did not know me - what I am going thru. I am usually at the grocery store, at the kids soccer practice, driving the kids to school or at the craft store. Nothing too crazy, and usually all after 11 am, which is when my body slowly begins to function.
I am not trying to be the "perfect mom" or "perfect wife" - I am just not usually not use to being down for long periods of time. I relish my non treatment weeks to get things done...pretty soon they will ALL be non treatment weeks --- I can hardly wait.
Also, one last thing to update you on...
Before my last session, John and I were on our way down from the doctor to the infusion center. They give you your file to hand to the infusion nurses, which gives them instructions on what pre-meds you will have, etc. I decided to open it up and read it. Hey, its MY file right? So anyway, I opened up the file and began reading the recap of the prior office visit :
"Alexxa ______, female, age 37, stage IIIa breast cancer...."
Wait a min -- did I see stage 3? That MUST be a typo, someone put an extra roman numeral in there? Do you love my optimism? I nonchalantly hand the file to the nurse and mention the typo and go on my way. Later that week, Thursday, I was having a bit of arm pain from the infusion on Monday, so I called my dr's office and leave a message for my oncologists nurse. The arm pain, and oh yea, the TYPO in my file.
I receive the return phone call - and the dr. wants to see my arm, and no that was not a typo in your file. What????? Stage 3????? I loose my noodle. I don't have stage 3? I have stage 2? I liked stage 2, it was so far away from 3 and 4!
Unfortunately, I had to go pick up my kids at school - I was sobbing all the way to get them, and could not get a hold of John at the moment. So I unloaded my story on two dear friends in the carpool parking lot. I am a mess! My two dear friends beautifully talked me off the ledge and reassured me that I would be all-right. The doctor got it all...its GONE they told me...they were right. It was just something that took me so by surprise. Here is where my motto of "Faith or Fear" came into play again.
I connected with John, he went into "Google" action - you all know what that means...googling the heck out of something until we find the information we need, or at least we feel satisfied with.
John reassured me that:
1. It's GONE, the amazing surgeon got it all --- we know that....the pathology reports prove it!
2. I am doing what I need to do to beat this thing, and I will (chemo, radiation, drug therapy).
3. It's ONLY a number....so what it WAS stage 3 --- its a number that goes in my file for tracking purposes.
3. FAITH or FEAR --- I can't let this thing take me with FEAR....I have FAITH in God that this will all be OK.
I returned home and fortunately, my parents were both here to console me too.
My wise daddy assured me of all the things that John told me, and hugged me until I was alright, which was awhile.
With all that being said, I am OK. It is ONLY a number, it is completely GONE.
Each day it is a battle, facing my fear and fighting it with faith.
I am still doing well. Tired and big dark circles under my eyes. I have not been as diligent on the "resting part" as I should be. I like to do what I can, when I can. As I told you before, treatments weeks tend to be rough -- but my non treatment weeks are a treat.
Its kind of funny, because I tend to see quite a few people out and about on my non treatment weeks. I wonder if they think I am faking it? They are always so sweet and tell me how great I look, and that they would not be able to tell, if they did not know me - what I am going thru. I am usually at the grocery store, at the kids soccer practice, driving the kids to school or at the craft store. Nothing too crazy, and usually all after 11 am, which is when my body slowly begins to function.
I am not trying to be the "perfect mom" or "perfect wife" - I am just not usually not use to being down for long periods of time. I relish my non treatment weeks to get things done...pretty soon they will ALL be non treatment weeks --- I can hardly wait.
Also, one last thing to update you on...
Before my last session, John and I were on our way down from the doctor to the infusion center. They give you your file to hand to the infusion nurses, which gives them instructions on what pre-meds you will have, etc. I decided to open it up and read it. Hey, its MY file right? So anyway, I opened up the file and began reading the recap of the prior office visit :
"Alexxa ______, female, age 37, stage IIIa breast cancer...."
Wait a min -- did I see stage 3? That MUST be a typo, someone put an extra roman numeral in there? Do you love my optimism? I nonchalantly hand the file to the nurse and mention the typo and go on my way. Later that week, Thursday, I was having a bit of arm pain from the infusion on Monday, so I called my dr's office and leave a message for my oncologists nurse. The arm pain, and oh yea, the TYPO in my file.
I receive the return phone call - and the dr. wants to see my arm, and no that was not a typo in your file. What????? Stage 3????? I loose my noodle. I don't have stage 3? I have stage 2? I liked stage 2, it was so far away from 3 and 4!
Unfortunately, I had to go pick up my kids at school - I was sobbing all the way to get them, and could not get a hold of John at the moment. So I unloaded my story on two dear friends in the carpool parking lot. I am a mess! My two dear friends beautifully talked me off the ledge and reassured me that I would be all-right. The doctor got it all...its GONE they told me...they were right. It was just something that took me so by surprise. Here is where my motto of "Faith or Fear" came into play again.
I connected with John, he went into "Google" action - you all know what that means...googling the heck out of something until we find the information we need, or at least we feel satisfied with.
John reassured me that:
1. It's GONE, the amazing surgeon got it all --- we know that....the pathology reports prove it!
2. I am doing what I need to do to beat this thing, and I will (chemo, radiation, drug therapy).
3. It's ONLY a number....so what it WAS stage 3 --- its a number that goes in my file for tracking purposes.
3. FAITH or FEAR --- I can't let this thing take me with FEAR....I have FAITH in God that this will all be OK.
I returned home and fortunately, my parents were both here to console me too.
My wise daddy assured me of all the things that John told me, and hugged me until I was alright, which was awhile.
With all that being said, I am OK. It is ONLY a number, it is completely GONE.
Each day it is a battle, facing my fear and fighting it with faith.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wooah, we're half way there!
Livin' on a prayer...who knew that a Bon Jovi Song would be my theme song right now? But I am half way there, and thanks to you and all your prayers -- I think, rather I know I am going to make it.
Last week was not any easier, which I had hoped it would be. Physically I had a bit of pain at the injection site, which the vein became irritated and sensitive to the touch. It seems whenever I have physical pain, emotional pain is quick to follow. If I don't feel good, it just brings me down.
Another reason why I am locked up during treatment weeks....I become a complete idiot! I cannot remember close friends names, kids names, simple things that used to be second nature to me. I've always been someone who remembers names and faces. It's the good ol' chemo brain...and I hope its reversible.
I am on to my "good week." The kiddos keep it real for me by occasionally bickering which is followed by time outs, privileges taken away and family chats. All without my wig on! It is amazing to me how they are unfazed by some of this. They are so resilient and I am truly blessed by them and my wonderful support system, supporting them.
September 27th begins my second set of four treatments. It will be a different medication, and hopefully easier than the first four. But honestly, I don't know what to expect as every body is different. I have been querying my "angel" Noelle - and she has prepared me as best she can, based on her personal experience. There will likely be some medication changes, so please pray for me and specifically NO icky side effects. I know it seems like a silly request, but I truly believe that it is working!
Love to all...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
YAWN!
Well the title says it all...YAWN! The "tiredness" of treatments is catching up with me. The doctors said it would be cumulative, and has been. As much as I would love to sleep a few winks during the day, its next to impossible because:
- I am not use to taking naps (what mother is??).
- My brain during my "off treatment weeks" is constantly thinking of everything that needs to be done while I feel good.
- I am afraid if I sleep too long, then I won't be able to sleep at night.
It is a vicious cycle! I need the rest, but have trouble trying to get it!
My actual treatment was uneventful. Got poked by the lab tech - who I know pretty well. Attended my doctors appointment beforehand and then headed downstairs to the treatment area. It was packed, and we ended up with a seat in the corner - no window, but we did discover that snacks exist! Ah ha, something new!
The nurse who started my iv was a pro, could barely feel it. It's interesting to both John and I, how each time they mention me considering getting a port. For those of you unfamiliar, a port is a device surgically implanted into your body (usually in the chest), attached to a main blood vein. It makes it much easier for the nurses to start your iv, draw labs, etc. However, I've had mixed reviews from people on the port. It can clog, get infected...sorry, I'm getting grossed out just explaining it. Yea, I don't like needles (who does), but NO, I'm not getting a port! These skinny little arms with good veins are pulling me thru, get used to it. OK, glad I got that off my chest.
Overall, side effects were the same as my previous my treatment...which was a plus. I pretty much slept Monday - Wednesday, get up to eat, take meds and use the facilities...like a baby I tell you! The sleep is not a restful sleep, more like a drug induced knock out..but I will take it versus feeling the nausea. Thursday I tend to feel better but then over do it, so that I feel bad on Friday.
Oh, one other thing I have been sparing the fun details on is reconstruction. I've been seeing my plastic surgeon regularly, he is the guy that will fix my chest to look somewhat normal again. This week was rough, because I had a fill. A "fill" constitutes poking once again another needle into my chest (each side) and filling it with saline solution. Each time it expands my chest wall to make room and allow for my reconstruction surgery, which will happen in about one year from now. On a scale of 1-10 of pain, it's probably a 9, and I am not kidding. So this was an added pleasure for this past weeks treatment. I think I am done with my fills, as I will have radiation afterwards my chemo. Fills need to be done before radiation begins.
The other side effect to this wonderful process is that I am very emotional. The tears start flowing pretty easily. I've always been a sensitive person, but it seems more so in recent weeks. This entire process is much more taxing on me than I originally thought it would be - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
My apologies for taking so long to write, then unloading quite a bit more details than I planned on sharing -- but this is my life right now, and thought you might want to know.
I told a friend recently, I am thankful everyday for everything. I know that this is all part of God's plan. He is teaching me so much about "me" -- more than I wanted to know sometimes!!
Thank you for your continued love, support and prayers.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
T'was the night before treatment...
As I sit here tonight trying to relax....there are a hundred things on my mind tonight, things that must be done before I leave for treatment tomorrow morning. I have my list of things to finalize, things to discuss with my mom, the kids calendar to be printed with all of their activities and homework to be done, last minute notes for John. It's like getting ready to go on a trip for a week, but I am not going "anywhere" fun.
I have cherished this week and a half...that's right, the last treatment only had me down for just a few days (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday), it was great. Although I am not my "old" self - I felt much better and it was a blessing because it was a busy week. The kids were back to school, there was back to school night, 2 soccer seeding tournaments and finally, a party we purchased at last year's auction.
As I scurried around today, running last minute errands to the grocery store and such.....I could feel a bitterness rising up in me. It was not pretty. I unfortunately took it out on my husband with some not so loving words, and I am sorry. The truth is, I am not excited to go back tomorrow. I've been through it enough to know that I don't like what is coming.
I am digging deep to gear up this time...I told a dear friend tonight as we texted back and forth. There are my 3 F's getting me thru --- Faith, Family and Friends. And maybe its appropriate, because it's my 3rd treatment as well.
It's true, I would be lost without all of them/you.
I have cherished this week and a half...that's right, the last treatment only had me down for just a few days (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday), it was great. Although I am not my "old" self - I felt much better and it was a blessing because it was a busy week. The kids were back to school, there was back to school night, 2 soccer seeding tournaments and finally, a party we purchased at last year's auction.
As I scurried around today, running last minute errands to the grocery store and such.....I could feel a bitterness rising up in me. It was not pretty. I unfortunately took it out on my husband with some not so loving words, and I am sorry. The truth is, I am not excited to go back tomorrow. I've been through it enough to know that I don't like what is coming.
I am digging deep to gear up this time...I told a dear friend tonight as we texted back and forth. There are my 3 F's getting me thru --- Faith, Family and Friends. And maybe its appropriate, because it's my 3rd treatment as well.
It's true, I would be lost without all of them/you.
Monday, August 23, 2010
A time to be thankful...
Betcha thought you would not hear someone say they are "happy all the hair on their head is gone" - but you just did. I know, it's crazy! My cute GI Jane cut was short lived and is no longer. When the hair began to fall out --- what a mess! It was also so itchy! I look more like a new baby chick with little random fuzz sticking out all over my head. Don't worry, I will NOT be posting any pictures of me.
We got a labradoodle for a reason, I can't stand the dog hair! Now, instead I was the one leaving the mess of 1/4" hairs all over the place.
But in the midst of all this...I continue to find reasons to be thankful:
1. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes (please Lord, let me keep those!!!)
2. Showering does not take anytime at all...no hair on the legs to shave!
3. My kiddos and my husband continue to warm my heart by telling me how beautiful I look.
4. Food still tastes good, and although my appetite has not returned completely - I am able to eat and maintain a healthy weight.
5. I have the most wonderful family and friends in the world.
I am stealing a phrase a friend told me...
"This is a defining moment, but it will NOT define me and who I am."
We got a labradoodle for a reason, I can't stand the dog hair! Now, instead I was the one leaving the mess of 1/4" hairs all over the place.
But in the midst of all this...I continue to find reasons to be thankful:
1. I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes (please Lord, let me keep those!!!)
2. Showering does not take anytime at all...no hair on the legs to shave!
3. My kiddos and my husband continue to warm my heart by telling me how beautiful I look.
4. Food still tastes good, and although my appetite has not returned completely - I am able to eat and maintain a healthy weight.
5. I have the most wonderful family and friends in the world.
I am stealing a phrase a friend told me...
"This is a defining moment, but it will NOT define me and who I am."
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Just in case you were curious.....
Here are some pictures....before and afters of John and I getting our hair cut. Some extra pics of the girls and my new "do's" too. My favorite is the last one, portrait taken by Gigi.
 |
| John & Tori before |
 |
| John & Tori after |
 |
| Me & Tori before |
 |
| Me & Tori after |
 |
| John and I |
 |
| Long Hair...a little 80's.... |
 |
| Shorter...more like my original style.. |
 |
| Pink and sassy....oh yea, I will be wearing it! |
 |
| Biggest one |
 |
| Middlest one |
 |
| Littlest one |
 |
| Just me :) |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)